the diary of ste
by bradyhay-09
Summary: ste gets told to write his feelings and life in a diary...so he does!


_heelllloooooo! :) I have been writing a lot recently cause all my exams are over till next year! yaaayyyy :) (well till September anyway) so I have a lot of time on my hands to write what ever I want. but if any of you have any ideas you want me to write then just message me privately or review. :P thx! ill try and put up as much of my fanfics as I can. 3_

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**so this is basically ste's life in his little diary, it's not in order of date but it should all make sense...each chapter will be a new diary entry from Ste showing his feelings and emotions and what's going on in his head and in his life! xxx enjoy!**

**reviews please! xxx**

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dear diary,

this sounds like a stupid idea but it wasn't mine...it was Doug's. so basically his idea was to write all my problems and emotions and all that crap into a diary, sounds stupid right? this is my first diary entry ever...well except for those times in primary school when we had to write about our summer holidays and stuff but I never really enjoyed that anyway cause the teachers could never read it cause of my hand writing and I couldn't read it cause of well...I couldn't very well.

so what's been happening? (I'm really not good at all this) my boyfriend Brendan, the love of my life was taken away from me and sent to prison for something he didn't do, it was the...MURDER...of his dad, he didn't do it though, he really didn't and I'm not just making up stuff to take my mind of it and I'm defiantly not in DENIAL! I got told by Brendan that when you write in capital letters, it either emphasises the point or shows that your angry or exited. he used to do it all the time! it was his sister Cheryl she freaked out cause Seamus (that's the name of Brendan's dad...the one that Brendan supposedly killed but it was his sister) was attacking Brendan or something and she just wanted to protect him (why she had a GUN I do not know!) and I'm thankful that she was only thinking of her brother when she did it, who knows what Seamus would of done, Brendan was so venerable around him and he looked so small and weak. but he wasn't weak, he was the strongest man I have ever known. I hated Seamus for what he had done to Brendan, I'm not going to go into it now but I will tell you in the future. me and Brendan were going strong, so strong and I love him so much even now. there was also another distraction and that distractions name was Kevin... he was a proper dick head, first he tries to flirt with Brendan then he tells the police that Brendan sexually assaulted him (how does that work out?) I ended up believing him though... yep that's right I believed that little scrote Kevin that Brendan sexually assaulted him an I was way out of order for doing that but deep down I knew Brendan was innocent but I just started thinking about the past (that's also something ill tell you soon) I just got so confused and didn't know what to think. on the day of Brendan's court sentence I saw Brendan's true colours and I was again living in he past. he came to Cheryl's engagement party drunk out of his mind, like I have never seem him that bad before! I told him that we got to go home and he got angry after I threw his alcohol in the river and h started going on about how I think he is guilty and that I think that he did harm Kevin.

_"do you think I'm guilty yes or no? do ye?" _

He sounded upset now like he didn't trust me but I just kept pushing and pushing. I was just so angry for some reason...I think it was because of everything that was happening and I just couldn't cope mainly cause I had just had my kids taken off me and I had given Brendan another chance. it was no excuse really but my head was all over the place.

_"I didn't touch him" _

He sounded so sincere and apologetic like he wanted me to listen and understand. I look back on it now and I regret everything that I said to him...EVERYTHING! because I understand now, I understand why he acted he way he did in front of his dad but back then I didn't and I just wished that I did cause then I wouldn't off said what I did...

_"well what about me Brendan? ay what about all those times that you beat me up over and over again punch after punch?"_

And yet again I was living in the past. bringing back bad memories, awful feelings and forgiven mistakes. I felt hurt and numb and I didn't care what I said to him. I just wanted to get my point across and hope that he would feel what I felt too so that he would understand...I know that he had problems to deal with but so did I and all that was going on was just making it all worse. my kids, Leah and Lucas are everything to me and I would do anything for them. so when Amy took them away I was devastated and I lost all care for everything else except Brendan cause I would also do anything for him despite our past I still love him no matter what and I'm sure that I love him forever and for always.

"I was different then"

I know that he was different but I just... I wouldn't listen and I feel so stupid now cause things could of been different every thing could be different now. he has changed so much from this crazy homophobic psychopath to this kind and loving man who didn't care what people thought anymore. he showed that he loved me and he would be so sorry for the most smallest things . But in front off his dad he did care and he wouldn't show any affection towards me at all...and I guess I kind of got that because I found it hard to come out to my mum... I wouldn't off even cam out to her if se hadn't of came to the village to ruin my life!

"And I makes me realise...maybe you are just like your dad!"

and that's when it happened. I didn't know what was going on at first...I was so confused but then I landed on the floor ad that's when I realised that it was all happening again, he had hit me, he had punched me in the face but he wasn't finished. he began to kneel down so I put my arms up to shield my face but I wasn't strong enough he just forced my hands apart and carried on like it was nothing I cried out and tried to scream shouting for him to stop but he wouldn't I was so scared. six times I think it was, that's the only thing I could think off to try and deter the pain...I counted, I counted the punches hoping that it will help...I didn't I just made it worse cause I thought that I wasn't going to stop, I though that I was going to die. I thought that I was going to die at the hands of my boyfriend, my love. He finally stopped and I was still conscious and in a lot of pain. my eyes were burning and my face was swollen and sore. I was crying, I felt the tears sting the cuts on my face that Brendan caused. I get up and try to get away but I can hardly see and I'm dizzy, I thin I'm having a panic attack when I see him following me, I don't know why but I start to freak out, I don't want him to hurt me again.

"leave me alone"

I don't want him to follow me, I want to be on my own. but he carries on following me and then stops. I don't know why but he just stops and I don't see him anymore. I Carrie on running avoiding the main streets as I don't want anyone to see me. I'm crying even harder now and I just want to get home and go to bed so I can hopefully wake up and see that this is all a dream even though I know that it isn't...it's a nightmare and I'm in the middle of it. I cant see straight, it was just some random out burst of anger and I got to feel the result.

That was the day that it all came crashing down not just because of the fact that Brendan punched me but because of everything else. I hope that one day I will actually be able to explain it and not just in writing but to someone who will hopefully understand and know what I'm going throw (I don't mean another boyfriend though...I mean like a friend or something cause I am not going to a therapist!

I miss him and I want to be with him. I want him to be with me again and I want him to plead innocent and explain the murders because I need him. I want to see him. why cant I just visit him so I can see how he is doing and so I can tell him that I still love him and always will. He is too proud and I understand that a lot but he needs to understand that he is loved and needed.

ill write soon diary and hopefully explain everything a bit more better like:

. mine and Brendan's past

.Brendan's childhood

.my childhood

and a hole lot of other stuff that's great in my life and lots of stuff that shit about my life!

I actually feel better about writing all this down cause I don't like to tell people my feelings, even now cause I think that people wont get it or will just laugh at me.

Ste

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**Im going to also write another fic but as Brendan writing the diary soon!**

**I hope this was okay and I will update soon...**

**reviews please! xxx**


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